


What Is It That You Want?

by scribblemyname



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Character Study, Friendship, Gen, Natasha Joins SHIELD, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 05:49:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6106948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scribblemyname/pseuds/scribblemyname
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To belong, to be trusted, to trust... That is who Natasha wants to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Is It That You Want?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mikkey_bones](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikkey_bones/gifts).



"Where's Agent Barton?"

The Black Widow's face was the epitome of expressionless spy face. It made Agent Maria Hill wish she'd brought in some rookies and set them behind the window to observe and learn.

Since that wasn't an option, Maria settled for a tight smile. "He's already proven inclined to give you some benefit of the doubt. You get me."

The Widow flicked an eyebrow but otherwise said nothing.

"I'm Agent Hill," Maria introduced herself simply. She continued to stand on the other side of the table the Widow had been handcuffed to. Sitting down could be a later reward for cooperation, if any were forthcoming. "And who are you really, Natalie Rushman?" Maria picked a known alias, an implied admission they didn't know her real name.

But the answer was not straightforward, for all it sounded real enough. "Who do you want me to be?"

Maria studied the Widow's face for a long moment, the smooth, blank face like a white page without any writing on it. There were rumors, part and parcel of the thick file Director Peggy Carter had started on the Black Widow program decades ago, that this woman might never have had an opportunity to form her own identity at all.

"The question, Widow," Maria stated, "is who do _you_ want to be?"

* * *

Natasha thought about it sometimes, over the years, a tiny niggle in the back of her mind. She became a SHIELD agent, one of the best in the field with some of the highest scores, even though she skated by on minimal effort when it came to testing. SHIELD had never developed the rigorous standards applied by the Red Room. She did not go hungry in SHIELD. Her feet did not bleed and ache from practice over and over again. She did not shoot to kill until the shape of a human body was just a shape and not a person. She relaxed, luxuriated in the simplicity of her initial assignments, and decided slowly as she chewed on the question.

"Who do _you_ want to be?"

* * *

Maria Hill was easy enough to befriend. Straightforward, straight shooting, with definitive beliefs and respect for others who backed up their own.

Natasha was chamelion, but she could play the part of seeker at the gates. She was a Black Widow. She could play any part.

Maria was always willing to teach, provided the lesson was not so obvious.

"Do your job competently. Fill out your paperwork and file it with cleanup promptly. Trust no one in SHIELD to not be lying through their teeth." The words were delivered flat and matter-of-fact for all their was a hint of a bite on the last one.

"You don't trust Fury?" Natasha asked lightly.

Maria raised both eyebrows in that sort of resigned annoyance that meant the answer should be obvious. "I trust Fury to be Fury."

She should have known then.

* * *

"Who do you want to be?" Maria asked once upon a time, and Natasha had answered, told her what Clint had done to bring her in.

She told her of arrows buried in the heads of Russian officials and handlers in black books and red rooms because she could never be clean or her own person until every person who knew her programming was dead and unable to trigger it.

"I want to find out who I can be," she said easily enough, head tilted, mouth curving upward because she was still a Widow then. It was all she had ever learned to be.

Maria's mouth was grim, but she took the interview back to her superiors, and Fury sent a job offer back down.

Fury knew exactly who he was and was utterly unthreatened by the danger Natasha represented. She wore her ability to lie over the surface of her skin, unafraid to demonstrate competence in it. Fury hid his lies so deep under his brazen persona, it took SHIELD falling for her to realize how deep his deceptions went.

Trust Fury to be Fury.

* * *

Clint knew exactly who he was. He brought Natasha into his life, his home, tentatively offering warmth and sincerity that practically exuded from his and Laura's bones.

She watched Laura open up to her, show so much more vulnerability than Natasha could ever feel safe displaying, and she thought _that_ , their ability to trust, was something she wanted to be.

When SHIELD proved her wrong, when Fury broke her trust in pieces, she took Clint and Laura and left to join the Avengers.This person who meant something to someone else, a friend, who had people that meant something to her, that was who she wanted to be.

* * *

Trust. How could you trust a monster?

Natasha reached her fingers out gently, a whim striking her as she sought again the hope so many took for granted, the right to be trusted.

Hulk had hurt her badly once upon a time, and he had never trusted her in any of his forms. How could anyone trust a monster?

But she hummed a tune born out of ballet and broken shoes against red room floors, and something warm and heated bloomed through her chest when he reached out and touched her back.

* * *

Trust Fury to be Fury. Trust the Widow to be the Widow.

"I need the other guy."

She pushed him over the edge into his darker self, broke his trust, and took a sharp breath, wondering if she'd broken everything in betraying the very person she'd meant to become.

But saving the world was more important than saving herself.

* * *

Clint touched the back of her shoulder gently before he left. He didn't say the words, "Are you okay?" but it showed in his knowing gaze.

Natasha nodded. Banner was right to not trust her, right to walk away. "I'll be fine." She smiled. "Steve wants me to help train the new recruits."

Clint had other places to be, and after staring at her another long moment, knowing disbelief hiding in the edges of his expression, he accepted it and promised to give her regards to Laura.

He walked away and Natasha stayed standing where she was for another, longer moment.

Steve had asked for a friend, expected trust, even Clint's, so rarely extended to anyone concerning his family. Steve had asked her to be a friend.

She took a deep breath and prepared to try again.


End file.
